Discover How to Effectively Handle Conflict in the Church

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”

Matthew 18:15

Dear Brothers & Sisters in Christ,

Every family deals with conflict. This is true of biological families as well as the family of God. While Jesus taught how kingdom citizens should live and relate to each other, the truth is we are still sinners and conflict is inevitable. How we deal with sin and disagreement within our church family reveals our heart attitude. Jesus explained to his disciples an effective way to handle conflict in the church when it rears its ugly head. We would do well to listen!

Conflict in the Family

My five children would roll their eyes whenever I would talk about the relationship my brother, Chuck, and I had. The topic usually came up when the five were embroiled in a sibling spat. “Why can’t you kids get along?” I would say in frustration, “My brother and I never fought!” 

In the quiet moments at the end of the day I would recount the incident to Dad and he would always tell me, “Sandy, you and Chuck were weird. Most siblings fight from time to time.” While my brother and I did get along very well, my memory of our life weighed heavy on the positive side. No one is perfect and even we had our moments of conflict. 

Steps to Resolving Conflict in the Church

Jesus knew that while kingdom citizens live here on this earth they would be affected by sin. He taught his disciples the appropriate and godly way to handle conflict in the church.

When we see a brother or sister sinning, it is important to handle it head-on, or “nip it in the bud,” so to speak. Rather than broadcasting the offense to anyone who will listen, a private conversation between you and the other party may result in reparation of the damage. This one-on-one conversation should always be the first step in the process of reconciliation. 

Unfortunately, we are stubborn people and a private conversation may not always work. Step two, if the offender will not listen, is to approach them again in the presence of two or three others – trustworthy and faithful individuals who can help reason with the offending party. Hopefully, the united group will bring wisdom to the situation and resolution to the problem. 

Next, if the fellow believer still refuses to listen, then it is appropriate to bring the problem before the church, praying that light will finally expose the truth and cause the person to repent so that reconciliation can take place. There should be no need to call in the justice system of the world. Family business should be taken care of within the family. 

Lastly, if the person continues to refuse to acknowledge his sin, Jesus taught to treat the person as a pagan or tax collector. In other words, consider that this person is likely not a true citizen of the kingdom because his response to sin in his life does not reflect the kingdom’s values of repentance and humility. This is another situation entirely and we must pray that this unrepentant person will come to know and acknowledge the truth of salvation so they will become citizens of God’s kingdom.

The Importance of Prayer in Conflict

I would be remiss if I did not mention the importance of prayer when handling any conflict. Seeking God’s guidance before trying to repair sin and relational damage leads to a better understanding of our own part in the conflict. As well as dealing with our own sin, prayer also prepares us to speak the right words with the right attitude. Asking a trusted friend to join you in prayer gives added power.  Matthew reminds his readers that “if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three of you come together in my name, there am I with them.” 

Conflict, especially in a family, creates a tidal wave of emotions. It is easy to respond according to our natural human tendencies – lashing out, gathering support, and sinking into a pit of anger and bitterness. But Jesus teaches us a better way. Do the hard and uncomfortable work of gentle and loving confrontation bolstered by a spirit of prayer and forgiveness. This is the way to effectively handle conflict in the church.

Love,

Mama

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